The First Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from
the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
Adam and Eve asked,
jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't
stopped after
making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and
he
was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First
Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of
their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there
is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to
give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
so hard on
yourself.
If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think
it
should be a piece of cake for you?
By Bill Cosby
Getting married is very much like going to
a restaurant with friends.
You order what you
want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you
had
ordered that.
------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing
your wedding ring on
the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I
was a fool
when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-----------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next
day
she received a
hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-----------------------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've
found
a man just like
father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than
to
let
her keep him.
-----------------------
Sixty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat
in
Europe.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-----------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know yet son, I'm still
paying."
-----------------------
Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man
doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
-----------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was
until I got married;
and then it was too late."
----------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband
a
millionaire." "And what was
he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied,
"A
billionaire."
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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get
to prove it.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every
word
you say, talk in
your sleep.
-----------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no
faults at all.
-----------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go
out
with
the boys on
Wednesday nights, and so does she.
-----------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage
is that
as
both husband and
father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course,
no
one
pays the least bit
of attention.
------------------------
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
-------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two
girlfriends.
-------------------------
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
-------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget
it
once.
-------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
-------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
This guy goes into a pet store looking for
a bird. Looking around he noticed
that all the birds were reasonably priced at just $5. each. But,
way in the
back he saw this little ugly bird with a sign that read $139.95.
Inquisively,
the guy asked the store clerk why this little ugly bird was priced
so much
higher than the others. The clerk stated that this was a special
bird which
could sing and talk. So the guy said, "Well, I believe I'll
take the bird.
Wrap him up and I'll be on my way."
The next morning the guy was back at the pet
store. He explained to the clerk,
"This bird you sold me didn't talk or sing."
The clerk asked, "Did he peck on his little bell?"
The guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little bell!"
The clerk said, "You like your music.
You've got a stereo system. The little
bird needs his music, too, so he pecks his little bell and makes
his own
music."
"How much are little bells?" the guy asks.
"Little bells are $6." the clerk says.
So the guys pulls out $6. and goes back home
with the little bell for the
bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet
store. He explained to the clerk,
"I took the little bell you sold me and attached it to the
bird's cage. This
morning I took the cover off his cage and he rang his little bell
and then
just looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang."
The clerk asked, "Did he climb up his little ladder?"
The guy looked shocked again, "You didn't
tell me the bird needed a little
ladder!"
The clerk said, "You need your exercise.
The bird needs his, too, so he climbs
up his little ladder for exercise."
"How much are little ladders?" the guy asks.
"Little ladders are $22." the clerk says.
So the guys pulls out $22. and goes back home
with the little ladder for the
bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet
store. He explained to the clerk,
"I took the little ladder you sold me and attached it to
the bird's cage next
to the little bell. This morning I took the cover off his cage
and he climbed
up his little ladder, rang his little bell and then just looked
at me. He
still hasn't talked or sang."
The clerk asked, "Did he look in his little mirror?"
The guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell
me the little bird needed a little
mirror!"
The clerk said, "You look in your mirror
each morning. The bird needs to look
in his little mirror each morning to make sure he is well groomed."
So the guys says, "Give me a little mirror."
and goes back home with the
little mirror for the bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet
store. He explained to the clerk,
"I took the little mirror you sold me and attached it to
the bird's cage
beside the little ladder and little bell. This morning I took
the cover off
his cage and he climbed his little ladder, looked in his little
mirror and
rang his little bell. Then he just sat there and looked at me.
He still hasn't
talked or sang."
The clerk asked, "Did he swing on his little swing?"
Again, the guy looked shocked, "You didn't
tell me the bird needed a little
swing!"
The clerk said, "Of course. Your bird has to have a little swing to swing on."
"How much are little swings?," the guy asks.
"Little swings are $29." the clerk says.
So the guys pulls out $29. and goes back home
with the little swing for the
bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet
store. He explained to the clerk,
"The little bird you sold me died this morning."
This time it was the clerk that looked shocked, "Oh, my God! What happened?"
I took the little swing you sold me and attached
it to the bird's cage. This
morning I took the cover off his cage and he looked in his little
mirror,
climbed about halfway up his little ladder and rang his little
bell and then
climbed onto the little swing you sold me. Then all of a sudden
he just keeled
over and died. But, just before he died, I think I heard him ask,
"Don't they
sell bird seed?"
